My husband and I went to an Apple store in
Germany recently, and it was one of the most grotesque and surreal experiences
of my life. While I do enjoy using their popular products, I'm not exactly fond
of the company's marketing and promotional methods (and that's me speaking
demurely). After our experience yesterday, though, it's also clear that
sometimes it's a bit, well, stalkerish.
You know how when you walk into most Apple
stores in the US, you know you've entered an expensive adult version of what a
McDonald's play area used to be like in the early 90s? Happy Meals and
Playtime! What could be better?
First of all, when we walked into this
store, I felt like we had just walked into Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I
don't mean the one with Johnny Depp, where you know deep down, the dude is just
having a good time pulling your chain; I'm talking about the original with Gene
Wilder, who lovingly let his freakish Umpa-Lumpas have free reign all over the
place. Their scary green hair and those horrible spray tans continue to make
occasional cameo appearances in my nightmares to this day.
Anyway, the first Umpa-Lumpa, I mean, genius, greeted us at the door.
"Wilkommen!" We casually looked at him and politely greeted him in
return as we attempted to make our way toward the Macs. But wait! Apparently,
you have to make it past the bouncer, first. He scuttled beside us and leaned
forward a little too closely.
"Sind Sie zum ersten mal hier?" (Is this your first time here?)
"Uh, nein."
"Kennen Sie unsere Produkte?" (Are you familiar with our products?)
"Ja…"
"Gut! Gut!" He couldn't hide his
pleased expression. We were in.
"Suchen Sie etwas bestimmtes?" (Are you looking for something in
particular?)
I couldn't help but sigh in irritation and
I barely restrained myself from telling him with a straight face that I was
looking for a Panda bear.
"Nein. Wir wollen nur schauen." (No, we’re just browsing.)
"Oh, ok… Danke und viel Spass!" (Oh, ok. Thanks, and have fun!)
Under normal circumstances, this would read
like a typical exchange of information. Perhaps he needs to collect data, or he
just wants to steer you in the right direction. Here, the guy was empty-handed,
and the store literally had more "geniuses" than customers. It was
unnerving, like he was reluctant to let us go and was beseeching more human
interaction.
After we had broken free of him, my husband
started looking at the Macbooks. Within five seconds, a pimply face with a
wide-eyed stare popped up before us, just like a teenaged Umpa-Lumpa with a shock of blonde hair.
"Hi! Brauchen Sie Hilfe?" (Need any help?)
My husband and I automatically replied,
"Nein, Danke." He didn't leave.
"Haben Sie unsere
Produkte schon?" (Do you already have some
of our products?)
This was getting irritating. I was
beginning to see why more Germans make their purchases through Apple resellers.
This was also quite different from my
experiences elsewhere. Usually, we customers are hungrily prowling for someone
to help us out, and as soon as we find one, we join the circle around said
prey, ready to pounce as soon as the next customer leaves. I think to be a
"genius" there, you must notate on your resume that you can run
quickly and disappear at will.
Not the case in this store. As soon as one left,
another genius came in his wake. We literally had four of them approach us
within a 2-minute period. You would think that we would have been appreciative,
and perhaps we would have been, if they hadn't made us feel like we were in a
plastic cage in the center of a shark tank. Each and every one of them had
large eyes with dilated pupils, and they were seriously twitching, vying for
our attention. I'm not insinuating that they were on anything, but I had the
strange feeling that they were suffering from huge withdrawal. So few
customers; too many geniuses!
What happens to the geniuses when they
aren't needed anymore? I hope for the sake of us all, Apple at least gives them
some sort of rehabilitation to help them get re-acclimated to a life as – (hmmm,
what does Apple call its customers? Let’s try an analogy: Apple is to geniuses
as customers are to _________. Now you know another reason why I “love” the
company’s PR so much.) Three of them, who looked at us woefully as we walked
out of the store and onto the snowy street, seriously looked like they'd been
brainwashed.
xoxo CountryEuroCityMouse
©2012-2013 CountryEuroCityMouse™. All rights reserved.
