As you ought to know by now, I work a lot with communication. Not only do I explore communication between cultures and perceived language and ethnic “barriers”, I also like to focus on communication between genders. This brings me to this week’s blog entry, which will help every single person in the world. As a matter of fact, I will not be surprised if I get a Nobel Peace Prize for today’s contribution.
At this point, I’m going to assume that everyone has heard of John Gray’s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” It is on our bookshelf. I have never read it. If this book gave my then boyfriend the divine insight on how to be the amazing husband that he is today, then kudos to the author and lucky me. It must be a pretty awesome book – even Jay-Z created a song with the title “Venus versus Mars.” Alrighty then. But without having even turned a page in the book, I’m pretty sure that there must be a vital missing chapter. It’s called Woman-Speak versus Man-Comprehension.
This is a blog, so I’m not going to dump a whole chapter’s worth of knowledge on you. Instead, I’ll just give you one tip that should lead you to blissful communication with the opposite sex for the rest of your life.
More often than not, when a woman presents a man with a particularly harmless question that sounds like a spontaneous suggestion, it’s most likely a statement (okay, a gently swaddled imperative) that men must unravel in order to maintain peace in the valley. Here are a few examples:
“Do you really want to do that?” MEANS: “You don’t want to do that.”
“Didn’t you say that you wanted to cut down on the greasy foods when we travel?”
MEANS: “I have to sit beside you for the next three hours during this road trip. You’d better think long and hard about what you’re stuffing down your gullet, because ‘Excuse me’ just won’t cut it.”
“Are you sure you want to wear your socks with sandals while you walk around with me today?”
MEANS : “There’s no way on God’s green earth that you are going to embarrass me in public by wearing such an atrocity.”
See, the thing is, we all want democracy, also at home. However, when we see loved ones making the wrong poor choices, we just want to diplomatically guide them to the path that we see most fit for them (see, you’ve also gotten some political insight here as well). The problem is that the men often mistakenly view these questions as being, well, questions. Which is why the conversation usually ends up like this:
Woman: (Thinking to herself, “Oh dear. There he goes looking like Grandpa Georg wearing those horrible sandals with socks up to his ankles and shorts.* This has got to stop.”) Are you sure you want to wear your socks with sandals while you walk around with me today?
Man: (Innocently thinking that this is the beginning of a nice conversation) Yeah! They sure are comfortable, and these above-the-ankle-high socks don’t make my toes get all sweaty and itchy and stinky.
Woman: (Thinking to herself, Okay, too much information.) Um, do you really want to do that?
Man: (Still a little slow to catch on.) Of course! What’s wrong with it?
Now the man has unwittingly placed himself in the death box of gender-dialogue. He is the one who blatantly stated the previously insinuated notion that there is something wrong with his sandals and socks. Since he has provided the woman with an opportunity to fully express her opinion (which will likely be followed by a request to remove the offending shoes and/or socks), this conversation can go in a multitude of directions.
And it all began with an innocent question.
Don’t get me wrong. We women don’t necessarily do this on purpose. It’s truly in our nature to read between the lines, which in turn, often leads us to unintentionally speak between them as well. It’s also quite clear that both men and women use this method of expressing requests. Sometimes, this approach works well, or it can lead to two people being exasperated and thinking that the other is ninny. Instead of presenting a request for action in question form, make it a statement. Any counterpart can figure it out from there. (*By the way, thankfully, my husband is not one of those guys who would wear such a thing. Yes, this had to be clarified.)
Wouldn’t it be funny if all of this were actually in that book? Then this week’s entry would have been this: “I suggest you read page 121 from that book.” And everyone would have understood exactly what I meant.
