Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Lamentations of a Coffee Fiend (Thanks, Starbucks Germany)


For the most part, spring had finally decided to grace us with its presence, but this year, it hasn’t been much of a fair-weather friend, pun intended. However, today is a beautiful sunny day, which gave me the perfect opportunity to go for a coffee run.
I wasn’t always a fan of coffee. When I was in the south of Spain, I went to a language school and for the entire month, whenever we had a break, our group would go to the bar downstairs and I’d order a cafĂ© de leche and a small ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. Very nutritional, I know. Some believe that it only takes a month to form a habit. In this case, I think it’s true.
These days, I actually don’t fare well drinking filtered coffee, but espresso-based drinks are wonderful. Since our city has a few Starbucks in the area, for the past few months I obsessively visited them in pursuit of their stupid gold card. (I know. It’s sad.) After 30 purchases of who knows what kind of fancy, frothy sugary expensive drinks, my thighs now hate me. And surprise, surprise – I’m kinda over it.
It makes me think that I should have lofiter goals in life.

It also makes me think that someone, anyone who loves me should have intervened. Given me a word of advice. A passerby on the street should have come to me and said, “No one in the world needs a 20-ounce caffeinated beverage.” More specifically, the German baristas should have placed a gentle hand on mine and asked, “Are you sure you want a triple shot venti caramel macchiato with soy milk today? Because, we could also just send you to the hospital for a shot of adrenaline since you obviously need it.”
But no, instead, over the course of five months, I made a ritual of ordering some crazy concoction that perfectly masked the true flavor of the beans. Go figure.
Now, as I finish my latte, I have some words for a few passersby. You never know who’s in need of an intervention.
1. To the man smoking a cigarette while holding the work shirts you just picked up from dry cleaning – You idiot.
2. To the man kicking the umbrella case from one side of the street to the other while calling it horrible names – That’a right, buddy; you show that inanimate object who’s boss.
3. To the women, both young and old, who walk around with paper shopping bags at the crook of your arm as if they’re Louis Vuttion purses – There is no elegance in a brown paper bag. Just hold it normally and go home.
4. To the Babushkas who were at the coffee shop when I stopped by this morning and were still there when I walked by this afternoon (for the third day in a row) – Congratulations. You are now the new face of Starbucks.
5. To myself, because I obviously need a reminder: Do I really need to go anywhere thirty times within a five-month period? This is beyond an addiction at this point. It’s just a shame.
Here’s hoping that you have more discipline in life than I do. Have a great week.
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