Thursday, February 28, 2013

Ten Irrational Fears of a Foreigner in Germany


1. One day, I'm going to allow myself to be convinced that I'd look super hot in Lederhosen.

2. My favorite meal will be Bier, Bretzel and Wurst - although I've never tasted beer, you already know about my issues with bread and I actually could go a lifetime without eating sausage.

3. In perfectly normal conversations in English, I will unintentionally interject with "Ach, so!" or "Nee!" or "Naja…" (Oh, wait. I already do this.)

4. In casual, non-academic conversations, I will tell people from other countries about their own culture, traditions and perceived political shortcomings, all because I am convinced that I'm teaching them something about themselves; I'll expect them to be impressed by my vast text-book knowledge and my I-spent-two-months-backpacking-and-hitchhiking-through-your-country-so-I-know-it-better-than-you-do superiority. By doing this, ironically, I will be adopting a rather well-intended but horribly insulting practice of sadly more than a handful of Germans I've encountered.

5. Whenever someone mentions the names Thomas Gottschalk, Dieter Bohlen or Harpe Kerkeling, not only will I know who these people are, I will be able to instantaneously summon an image of these people from my visual memory. (I already can. As well as Boris Becker and all – eerily, ALL of his children.)

6. I will spend time planning for the vacation after my next vacation. (Seriously, people. What the hell.)
7. Eventually, I will accept with complete understanding why some of my favorite restaurants have to close between the hours of 2:30 and 5:30 P.M. I will also understand why a local pharmacy has to be closed on Wednesdays. Is this the day when the pharmacist protests illness (Mittwochs Krankheiten verboten)?

8. Jack Wolfskin and The North Face outerwear are going to be dearer to me than anything off the runway. Regardless of weather conditions, they will be my fashion and lifestyle statement in one. Just thinking about JW will make me feel like a badass and want to slap on a gigantic backpack. I will look forward to their catalogues almost as much as the one from IKEA. (*Shudder*)

9. If a dear friend of mine who hails from a country where having two weeks paid vacation –and the financial means to actually go on vacation – tells me that he or she is going to Paris for 4 days and 3 nights, my initial reaction will be to scoff and say that's not nearly enough time to "get to know the city". Because, well, just go back to Irrational Fear #4.

10. Not only will I look forward to watching Tagesschau (the nightly news) every evening, I will think of it every day at 7:57P.M. When the bell chimes at 8:00P.M. I will react quite similar to Pavolv’s Dog; instead of salivating, however, I will actually hum along with the melody as it is playing.

With each passing day, dear readers, I will be one step closer to succumbing to the inevitable process of Germanization. It will be like the Borg and Captain JL Picard: “Resistance is futile.” I won't go down without a fight; however, my psyche has already been forever altered. But if I end up looking like Seven of Nine in my Lederhosen, I guess I could eventually get over it.

Happy Weekend (Just one more day!) everybody.
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